I have been wanting to write a bio / about this thing for awhile now. When I first started this thing it was more of a journal than anything else. Let's face it, I was online more than doing anything else in my life, so I figured if I was online anyway I might as well make some use of my time. And I toyed on an off with the idea of making it private or whatever. But then I finally decided well hey, if people actually care what I am up to, I will have this thing to direct them to. Is that totally impersonal or what? ... So I made it public, but the blog itself is still rather private. I hardly have any photo's of me or my life. I don't mention my name. I rarely feature other people's names. ... What's with this? ... I think part of me wanted it to be somewhat anonymous, but why? I think I was scared a bit. If strangers stumbled upon this what would they think? How would they judge me? Then part of it was that I don't need people to know who I am. It's not necessary to me still doing what I enjoy, which is contributing to this online journaling place.
And caring what strangers think of me is silly really. I can be only me.
I have always been a confident, extroverted, outgoing person. Through the years I have moved and changed, been more cocky than I probably should, and been more timid than I really am. I have held back when I should have jumped and pushed to hard when I should have been patient. ... When you get to be older, and become more aware of being an individual, interacting with other individuals, there is this overwhelming sense of self and where I am and who I should be. And really it's not who I SHOULD be, but who I AM. And also really, it's not when you get older, I should be more correct and say, since IVE gotten older....
These thoughts, scrambled in my brain, I think come from reflecting on the past and how that has shaped me. Reflecting on where I want to be and how I am going to get there. Going back to the jumping/pushing/patient comment. As much as maybe I should have done this or that. I did what I did and am still only me. Every single left or right, up or down has been a player in this life of mine now. So really, I can only just be thankful. And so far, I am still doing ok. I probably could be doing better. And I know for certain I could most definitely be doing worse. And that is the kicker. I don't want to be wondering about doing better. I want to be all I can possibly be NOW. No wondering and wishing years and years from now. Im getting enough wrinkles as it is, my ankles now crack like I remember my mom's doing, and I swear my memory is now at 3 days tops.
I came across THIS blog about a year ago. Not sure how I ran into it, but I check in every once and awhile. I think it was her Muy Thai that drew me in at first because I was doing Muy Thai for a long time. And just to insert, still love it, and want to get back into it at some point. But anyway, I came across this post she actually wrote on March 6, 2009, titled "A Life of Gratitude". The following is an excerpt from that post. She talks about a sequence of events and how they got her to where she is now. And after you read that you can read my About Blog section, because yep, thats right, Im going to do it. Who knows, this could be the start. .....
"I was in Hainan and was journaling about the entire flow of events last year. I thought it started with muay thai cos that's how hy and I started talking, how I found my muay thai family and muay thai is also what made me eventually make the choice to come home even if I had consciously not articulated it then. But as I looked back further, it just seemed it was all meant to happen... .
If the movie 'Chocolate' hasn't come out then, I wouldn't haven watched it just before I broke up with my ex. If we hadn't broken up, I wouldn't have decided to take up muay thai. When my friend finally signed up, she did it with another friend and they happened to be the last two for a full class. If the class wasn't full, I wouldn't have had to trawl the internet for a school nearer my place. When I called and emailed them, they were in Thailand for matches and no one responded to me. Yet, when I decided to go down and take a look myself, they had just come back. Just like that, I found RTF and my 师父 and 师兄. Because of muay thai, hy and I started talking. And it was her friend who got me the writing assignments. The only regret I have is leaving my job in school cos I was happy there. But if I hadn't left that, I wouldn't have gone to a place that turned out to be unhappy and looked for muay thai. So I guess, all things were meant to be. I guess that also contributes to my feeling peaceful cos it feels good to know it has all been planned and I am fulfilling destiny. And it will all lead to good tidings and faith."